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mit_emacs_170_teco_1220
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emacs/bye.lns
There are no other files named bye.lns in the archive.
This is the file of one liners for the BYE program. The format for
entries is <ctrl @><crlf><crufties>. There should not be a ^@ after the last message.
Should you add any copyrighted material to this file be sure to
leave note to that effect in this first record, which will never
be printed as a message.
This file contains material from the following copyrighted publications:
"The Devil's Dictionary", Ambrose Bierce. Doubleday publishers
"Tell Me a Joke", Platt&Munk Publishers
Next 3 via Readers' Digest_______________:
Camden Country, Ga., Tribune_______
"Field Newspaper Syndicate"
Annison, Ala., Star____
"Scientific American"
"A History Of Western Philosophy", by Bertrand Russell
"Godel's Proof", by Newman & Nagel
"Opuscules", Leibnitz
"Dune", Frank Herbert
"The Enlarged Devil's Dictionary", Ambrose Bierce & Ernest Hopkins.
Doubleday.
"Thoughts to Live By", by Maxwell Maltz, M.D.
"The Thurber Carnival"
"The Unexpurgated Code", J. P. Donleavy
"The Education of Henry Adams"
"The New Yorker", 10 January 1977
T_h_e_ P_e_o_p_l_e_, Y_e_s_, Carl Sandburg
Collected Poems: Not so Deep as a Well, Dorothy Parker
Should you ever see this as a fortune it is a bug, tough luck.
It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
really needed in the first place.
I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
analogous to the above.
-- Kenneth E. Iverson
commenting on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Almost anything derogatory you could say about today's software
design would be accurate.
-- Kenneth E. Iverson
Famous last words:
We are getting into semantics again. If we use words, there is
a lot of relatives on the train for home.
It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that
balances are correct.
-- from "Manual of Muad'Dib"
by the Princess Irulan
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
Children should be seen, not heard.
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the
mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of
the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
-- Bene Gesserit proverb
Your empty file directory has been deleted.
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
--Einstein
The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences; beyond
this they have not legitimacy.
--Einstein
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with two eyes.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
A bore is a man who talks so much about himself that you can't talk
about yourself.
By definition, when you are investigating the unknown, you do
not know what you will find or even when you have found it.
The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50%
of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a
correspondence with theory.
XX ITS 1192 console 897 free 13:57:900
Closed
host broke the connection - sucker!
Please do not type quite so loudly. The person sitting to your
left is a spy.
%DECSYSTEM-20 RUNNING
When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
No experiment is ever a complete failure, inasmuch as a
well-written account of it can serve admirably as a bad example.
She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
have poured on a waffle.
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they
will like.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the
Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was
human nature.
A bird in the hand is worth ten in the bush.
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
That must be wonderful! I dont understand it at all.
The plural of spouse is spice.
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.
The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.
Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known
as wheels.
Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods
while the police officer searches you.
My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet
the boat.
Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will
take five days when the programmer is in a hurry.
First draw the curves; then plot the data.
I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than an
administrator.
I am a computer. As such I never have or will make a mistake
or error (I thought i did once, but I was wrong).
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law;
and every time they make a law it's a joke.
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the
town gossip.
It got to a point where I had to get a haircut
or both feet firmly planted in the air.
Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
There is hardly a thing in the world that someone cannot make a little
worse and sell a little cheaper.
Et tu, AV?
"Don't quote me, but business sucks."
How often it is that the angry woman rages denial
of what her inner self is telling her.
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
I hope I don't get run over again.
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
to work.
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
Someday somebody has got to decide whether the typewriter is the
machine, or the person who operates it.
A soft drink turneth away company.
There is no time like the pleasant.
"Elegance and truth are inversely related." -- Becker's Razor
What is my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg at Smith
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is
done by children.
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
Somebody ought to cross ballpoint pens with coat hangers,
so that the pens will multiply instead of disappearing.
A person forgives only when she is in the wrong.
About all some women accomplish in life is to send a daughter to Radcliffe.
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
If a loafer is not a nuisance to you, it is a sign that you are
somewhat of a loafer yourself.
Up against the wall!!!
If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
Charity: a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is having fun.
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist, and too
rich to be a communist.
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in
favor of the plain people is the stork.
A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth.
Lisp: To call a spade a thpade.
Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to
be aware of it.
Nothing succeeds like -- failure.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get
up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to
be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
A diplomat is a woman who always remembers a man's birthday but never
remembers his age.
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and
can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to
take you in.
Your empty file directory has been deleted.
It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything on earth to
worry about, she goes off and gets married.
A woman will sometimes devote all her life to the development of one
husband who can't cook and will.
Time and tide wait for no woman, but time always stands still for a
man of thirty.
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
-- Indian proverb
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
Women were born to lie, and men to believe them.
Those who in quarrels interpose must often wipe a bloody nose.
Do you think your father and I should have lived comfortably so long
together if ever we had been married?
As soon as you cannot keep anything from a man, you love him.
I give presents to the father, but I think of the son.
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last..
I never said all Republicans were saloonkeepers; what I said was all
saloonkeepers were Republicans.
Your latest program has been judged UNTASTEFUL by the T demon
and automatically deleted.
Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
Every man is wrong until he cries, and then he is right, instantly.
Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
Have you locked your file cabinet?
Security is the individual's responsibility.
Identify your visitor.
Don't gamble with security.
Prevent security leaks.
Security is your responsibility.
An ounce of security is worth a pound of defense.
Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
Classified material requires proper storage.
Concentrate on security.
Biggest security gap - an open mouth.
Be careful! Is it classified?
Blame it on the *-Property.
Be security conscious - National defense is at stake.
National security is in your hands - guard it well.
Don't guess - check your security regulations.
Regnant populi. (The people rule.)
Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
Post proelium, praemium. (After the battle, the reward.)
Facta, non verba.
Sum quod eris. (I am what you will be.)
Auribus teneo lupum. (I hold a wolf by the ears.)
Vigilia pretium libertatis. (Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty.)
Populus vult decipi. (The people like to be deceived.)
Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in
compensation for their destitution of conscience.
Force: "Force is but might," the teacher said--
"That definition's just." The boy said naught but thought instead,
Remembering his pounded head:
"Force is not might but must!"
Lighthouse: A tall building on the seashore in which the government
maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
"Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud."
Philosopy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
You can never trust a man; he may be true to you.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
All of the animals except man know that the principal business of
life is to enjoy it.
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a person of some sense to
know how to lie well.
She is considered the most graceful speaker who can say nothing in
most words.
The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for
one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've
got to be good.
My husband is the kind of boy who'll not go anywhere without his
father, and his father will go anywhere.
The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
amount of trouble is sex.
Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire
to change his bed.
A lover is a bottle of wine; a husband is a wine bottle.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Acquaintance: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but
not well enough to lend to.
'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor.
The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
people to approach printed matter with distrust.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible
worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
purgatory for the purse.
America's best buy for a nickel is a telephone call to the right person.
<outdated>
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
In this world, truth can wait; he's used to it.
My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change
him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
"When a woman says she had pleasure with a man she does not mean
conversation."
Samuel Johnson
PEOPLE are more fun than Anybody!
Employer: "You're an hour late. You should have been here at 9
o'clock" Office boy: "Why, what happened?"
Passenger: "When the train stops will you please tell me at which end
to get off?" Conductor: "It doesn't matter, Mac, both ends stop."
Older sister: "Why are you wearing my new raincoat?"
Younger sister: "I didn't want to get your new dress wet."
Ivensky: "My grandfather was a pole." Woddy: "North or South?"
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
at the steam fitters picnic.
Some people are discovered; others are found out.
Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations
that can't bear inspection.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
The time is right to make new friends.
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
To laugh at persons of sense is the privilege of fools.
You are going to have a new love affair.
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
himself from the sphere of exaction.
Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
Institute: An archaic school where football in not taught.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Dawn: The time when women of reason go to bed. Certain old women prefer
to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an
empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with
pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe
years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of
their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust
persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have
tried it.
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the
misery of another.
The rising People, hot and out of breath,
Roared round the palace: "Liberty or death!"
"If death will do," the King said, "let me reign;
You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain."
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
"Hello, Chase and Sanborn," said the little brother to his big
brother's flame.
"Why address me as 'Chase and Sanborn,' Tommy?"
"Oh, your date's on the can."
Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. Quit work
and play for once!
This is a good time to punt work.
You are wasting your time.
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
You can call him an outdoor boy if he has the bloom of youth on his
cheeks and the cheeks of youth in his bloomers.
Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
telegram was sent from a wife to her husband: "NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER
COME HOME AT ONCE."
Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
purgatory for the purse.
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
A venerable old Jewish gentleman was day-dreaming while sunning himself
on a bench on the boardwalk at Alantic City. His reverie was disturbed
when another man approached and asked,"Can I join you?"
"What's the matter, maybe I'm coming apart??"
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
"Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference."
He who invents adages for others to peruse
Takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
Eli and Bessie went to sleep. In the middle of the night, Bessie
nudged Eli. "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold
outside!" Half asleep, Eli murmured, "Nu ... so if I'll close the
window, will it be warm outside?"
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit
tastes bad.
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells awful_____.
Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
A person who fishes for marlin in ponds
Will put her money in Etruscan bonds.
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
It's later than you think.
A half hour after an EL AL plane left Idlewild, the control tower was
startled to receive a message from the pilot that the plane was headed
back to Idlewild. The tower relayed a hurried message to the pilot,
"Are you in trouble?". "I sure am! We forgot the pickles!"
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of
the sword.
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend. "Abe, I'm
in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't the
slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
"I'm glad to hear that" answered Abe. "I was afraid you might have the
idea you could borrow from me!"
Everybody ought to have a friend.
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
You have been selected for a secret mission.
You will be told about it tomorrow.
Don't look now, but the woman in the moon is laughing at you.
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
To criticise the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to
criticise the competent.
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
You are wasting your time.
Women seldom show dimples to boys who have pimples.
You may have a friend at the Chase Manhattan but at our bank
you have meshpocheh!
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
As goatheard learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
One person tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
It is better to wear out than to rust out. <far out>
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
purgatory for the purse.
The Hebrew school teacher asked one of his students if she said prayers
before before meals. The proud little girl answered, "Oh, not me. I
don't have to - my dad's a good cook."
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
Love is in the offing, said the homicidal maniac.
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
You should talk to the DOCTOR.
You should talk to AV.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
Mr. Blumberg was reading a story on India in the Jewish Daily Forward.
He turned to his wife. "Maxine, what's an 'untouchable'?" "A lady you
can't borrow money from."
You should go home.
Your empty file directory has been deleted.
BEWARE THE NEW TTY CODE.
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous.
SHE WHO LAUGHS, LASTS.
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
-- Mae West
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
You can watch a horse boil in a pot
but you can't drink him.
AV is unenthusiastic about your work.
Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
Quit work and play for once!
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
The best prophet of the future is the past.
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
It is better to be at the head of the jackals than the tail
of the lions.
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent
lover can in years.
ONTOGENY RECAPITULATES PHILOGENY -- OR, IS THAT
ONTOLOGY RECAPITULATES PHILOLOGY...???
Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to
get you out of Casablanca.
Many pages make a thick book.
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in
contact.
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed
interference.
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if
you say yes.
Stop searching forever. Your TECO buffer is circular.
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble
fruit tastes bad.
Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in
Etruscan bonds.
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless
serpent.
As of next tuesday, LISP will be flushed in favor
of COBOL. Please update your programs.
It is later than you think.
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive
things.
It's all in the mind, ya know.
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock
instead of the sword.
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also
upside down.
You have been selected for a secret mission.
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see
his face.
To criticise the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult
to criticize the competent.
AV is unenthusiastic about your work.
AV is unenthusiastic.
ARPA is unenthusiastic about your work.
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
Women seldom show dimples to boys who have pimples.
Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
As goatheard learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his
trade by wrote.
You look tired.
One person tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
"Trying to explain MUDDLE to an uninitiate is somewhat like
trying to untie a Gordian knot." -- Greg Pfister
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores
you.
This screen intentionally left blank.
Parmenides: If appearance really appears, it is not nothing,
and therefore must be a part of reality.
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's
cradle.
A truly wise person never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of
questionable uses.
"In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian."
A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start,
and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
-- Leibnitz
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
IT'S LATER THAN YOU THINK.
TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO BRIBE A HIGH RANKING PUBLIC OFFICIAL.
TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO BRIBE AV.
The solution of problems is the most characteristic and peculiar
sort of voluntary thinking. -- William James
"They are called computers simply because computation is the only
significant job that has so far been given to them."
-- Louis Ridenour
Duckies can be fun!
To be is to do.
I. Kant
To do is to be.
J. P. Sartre
Do be do be do.
F. Sinatra
X
e dU dX takes the place of normal sex!
U
e dU dX takes the place of normal sex!
U
e dU dx !
cosine, secant, tangent, sine!
3.14159!
logarithm, logarithm, Tech, Tech, Tech!
YOU ARE A FAG.
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
Why don't you humans leave me alone?
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
XXXXX
X X
X * * X
X* *X
X ***** X
X X
XXXXX
DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
FOOBAR$J
TIBI QUUXANDUM EST.
MESSAGE FROM AV
HOW COME YOUR PROJECT IS 2 MONTHS LATE?
Thank you for onlining with ITS -
Be sure to patronize us again for your next fix.
You should go home.
MIEUX VAUT TARD QUE JAMAIS!
ISE0 - GO AWAY
Tibi quuxandum est.
We took some pictures of the native boys, but they weren't developed.
You look tired.
That's what she said.
How untasteful can you get?
Your code should be more efficient!
KILROE HIC ERAT!
SOFT SOAP OFTEN HAS A HIGH PERCENTAGE OF LYE IN IT.
-- SALADA TEA
Important: as of next tuesday BLISP will use square
brackets instead of parentheses. Update your files!
MAN WHO FALLS IN BLAST FURNACE IS CERTAIN TO FEEL OVERWROUGHT.
LONG COMPUTATIONS WHICH YIELD 0 (ZERO) ARE PROBABLY ALL FOR NAUGHT.
MAN WHO ARRIVES AT PARTY TWO HOURS LATE WILL PROBABLY
FIND HE HAS BEEN BEATEN TO THE PUNCH.
WHEN SNOW WHITE TURNS ON WITH THE DWARFS
SHE PROBABLY WINDS UP FEELING DOPEY.
PRESIDENT FORD HAS NOTED THAT THERE ARE TOO MANY ECONOMIC PUNDITS
and FORECASTERS AND HAS DECIDED ON AN EXCESS PROPHETS TAX.
Perhaps the purpose of categorical algebra is to show
that which is trivial, is trivially trivial.
PUSHJ, PUSHJ, POPJ P,
(characterizations omitted) all, DM-CG
Quack!
I MUST HAVE SLIPPED A DISK - MY PACK HURTS!
Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
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As of next Tuesday, MUDDLE will be flushed in favor of LISP.
Please update your programs.
As of next Wednesday, CLU will be flushed in favor of SNOBOL.
Please update your programs.
As of next Thursday, ITS will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
Please update your programs.
As of next Friday, you will be flushed in favor of CONNIVER.
Please go away.
YOU ARE A VIRGIN.
DIRED^K
DIRED.123
@A
.DDT. (INIT)
@D * *
Are you sure? (Y or N): Yes.
Everybody ought to have a butler.
Time and tide wait for no one.
:$FATAL ERROR ILLEGAL UUO$
:$FATAL ERROR MPV IN GARBAGE COLLECTOR$
:$FATAL ERROR BTB IN GARBAGE COLLECTOR$
:$FATAL ERROR -- ERROR IN COMPILED CODE$
:$FATAL ERROR VECTOR OUT OF HILBERT SPACE$
:$FATAL ERROR YOU ARE OUT OF VECTOR SPACE$
:$FATAL ERROR -- ILLEGAL ERROR$
foo
MDL ==> MUDDLE Died Laughing?
MUDDLE Lives (and Dies)
Don't quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key.
We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
Absent: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances;
defamed; slandered.
Abscond: To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
and miss the return train.
Brain: To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel
a source of error in an opponent.
Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
The following statement is not true:
Who's afraid of ARPA?
Who's afraid of the garbage collector?
Murphy's Law: Any thing that can go wrong, WILL.
"Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem..."
----Thomas Pynchon, Gravity's Rainbow
Parkinson's Law: Work expands to fill the resources available to do it with.
Sturgeon's Law: Ninety percent of everything is crud.
Finagle's Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
The Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
1) You can't win.
2) You can't even break even.
3) You can't get out of the game.
Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable
from magic.
Parkinson's Law of Committees: The amount of time spent by a committee on
an agenda item is inversely proportional to the cost of the item.
The Peter Principle: People are promoted until they reach their level of
incompetence.
MUDDLE is written in TECO!
((LAMBDA ((X) (X X))) (LAMBDA ((X) (X X))))
"MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that."
Try typing the following 3 characters to MUDDLE: \^@$
Memory should be the starting point of the present.
We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
ITS is a hand-crafted RSUBR.
The door is the key.
ALT ALT to you too!
What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
But this output can be
No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact. -- Gigo
Early to rise and early to bed, makes a woman healthy, and wealthy,
and dead.
Your horoscope --
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) :
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are careless and
impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over
again. People think you are stupid.
Your horoscope --
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) :
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates
and people resent you for your flaunting of your power. You lack
confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible
things to small animals.
Your horoscope --
Aries (March 21 - April 19) :
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very
nice.
Your horoscope --
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) :
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and
bull-headed. You are a Communist.
Your horoscope --
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) :
You are quick and intelligent in your thinking. People like you
because you are bisexual: however, you are inclined to expect too
much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known
for committing incest.
Your horoscope --
Cancer (June 21 -July 22) :
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems.
They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off.
That's why you will never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
recipients are Cancer people.
Your horoscope --
Leo (July 23 - August 22) :
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy.
Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are known
thieves.
Your horoscope --
Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22) :
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and
sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos are good bus drivers.
Your horoscope --
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) :
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.
If you are a woman, you more than likely are queer. Chances for
employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra men are
prostitutes. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Your horoscope --
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) :
You're shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve
the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most
Scorpio people are murdered.
Your horoscope --
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) :
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to
rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal.
Your horoscope --
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) :
You are conservative and afraid to take risks. You don't do much
of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long as they
tend to take root and become trees.
Above all, beware of Zeal!
Corrupt, adj.
In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
Power is poison.
Upon encountering happiness:
Be wary at such times, since most of life's blows
fall then.
Authentic, adj. Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
MESSAGE FROM ON HIGH
Prepare to meet thy doom!
God made the world in six days, and on the seventh She was sued
for not filing an environmental impact statement.
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
Maybe I was holding all the aces, but what was the game?
Forenoon, n. The latter part of the night. Vulgar.
To never see a fool, you lock yourself in an empty room and
break all the mirrors.
This is your hell. Keep it happy.
Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny!
What distinguishes a leviathan from Donald the Duck?
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY.
I knew who I was when I got up this morning, but I think
I must have changed several times since then. -- Lewis Carroll
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority,
it is time to reform.
-- Mark Twain
Murphy's 8th Law:
Whatever you set out to do, something else must be done first.
ANYTHING NOT WORTH DOING AT ALL IS NOT WORTH DOING WELL.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
-- Henry Kissinger
I sit beside the fire and think of all that I have seen,
Of Meadow-flowers and butterflies in summers that have been;
Of yellow leaves and gossamer in autumns that there were,
With morning mist and silver sun and wind upon my hair.
I sit beside the fire and think of how the world will be
When winter comes without a spring that I shall ever see,
For still there are so many things that I have never seen:
In every wood in every spring there is a different green.
I sit beside the fire and think of people long ago,
And people who will see a world that I shall never know.
But all the while I sit and think of times that were before,
I listen for returning feet and voices at the door.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
Experience is a dear teacher, but fools will learn at no other.
-- Poor Richard's Almanac
I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed
interstate commerce.
-- J. Edgar Hoover
Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance,
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeoning of chance;
My head is bloody but unbowed.
It matters not how straight the gate,
How charged with punishment the scroll;
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
-- Henley
The beauty of America is that the average person always
thinks she is above average. -- Sam Levenson
The problem with America is that the average person always
thinks she is above average. -- Anonymous
One would like to stroke and caress human beings,
but one dares not do so, because they bite. -- Vladimir Lenin
"Well now that we have seen each other," said the Unicorn,
"if you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you. Is that a bargain?"
--Lewis Carroll
NOTHING IS REALLY WORK UNLESS YOU'D RATHER BE DOING SOMETHING ELSE.
Cheops' Law:
Nothing ever gets build on schedule or within budget.
God grant us the serenity to accept the things we can not change,
courage to change the things we can and wisdom to know the
difference.
Don't you wish you were where you were
when you were wishing you were here?
A person's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to
its original dimensions.
-- Oliver Wendall Holmes
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
--Oscar Wilde
The New Decalogue
Have but one God: thy knees were sore
If bent in prayer to three or four.
Adore no images save those
The coinage of thy country shows.
Take not the Name in vain. Direct
Thy swearing unto some effect.
Thy hand from Sunday work be held --
Work not at all unless compelled.
Honor thy parents, and perchance
Their wills thy fortunes may advance.
Kill not -- death liberates thy foe
From persecution's constant woe.
Kiss not thy neighbor's husband. Of course
There's no objection to divorce.
To steal were folly, for 'tis plain
In cheating there is greater gain.
Bear not false witness. Shake your head
And say that you have "heard it said."
Who stays to covet ne'er will catch
An opportunity to snatch.
WE LEARN FROM HISTORY THAT WE DO NOT LEARN ANYTHING FROM HISTORY.
TO ERR IS HUMAN, TO DEBUG DIVINE.
TO ITERATE IS HUMAN, TO RECURSE DIVINE.
ANYTHING THAT CAN GO WRONG, WILL.
Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
1) You can't win.
2) You can't break even.
3) You can't get out of the game.
People willingly believe what they wish. -- Julius Caesar
ONLY SHE WHO ATTEMPTS THE RIDICULOUS CAN ACCOMPLISH THE IMPOSSIBLE.
THOSE WHO CANNOT REMEMBER THE PAST ARE CONDEMNED TO REPEAT IT.
I'd rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself
than to be crowded on a velvet cushion.
ANYTHING FREE IS WORTH WHAT YOU PAY FOR IT.
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
It is the pardonable vanity of lonely people everywhere to assume
that they have no counterparts.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
"Beware the Jabberwock, my child!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"
She took her vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe she sought--
So rested she by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.
And, as in uffish thought she stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
She left it dead, and with its head
She went galumphing back.
"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish girl!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
She chortled in her joy.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
-- Oscar Wilde
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
-- Herbert Hoover
A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
called a liberal.
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about,
and that is not being talked about. -- Oscar Wilde
The best way to convince a fool she is wrong is to let her have
her own way.
--Josh Billings
Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday,
it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
-- Franklin K. Dane
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Person, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what she
thinks she is as to overlook what she indubitably ought to be. Her
chief occupation is extermination of other animals and her own species,
which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
the whole habitable earth and Canada.
Occident, n. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the
Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the
principal industries of the Orient.
Optimism, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful,
including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and
everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and
is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a
blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof -- an
intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is
hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.
The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all her might:
She did her very best to make
The billows smooth and bright --
And this was very odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
-- Lewis Carroll
Politics, n. pl. A means of livelihood affected by the more degraded
portion of our criminal classes.
Possession, n. The whole of the law.
Preposterous, adj. The idea that murder is a crime.
Saint, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.
Sanity, n. A state of mind which immediately precedes and follows murder.
Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished
from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
S'elle n'existait pas Dieue, elle faudrait l'inventer. -- Voltaire
It's not that I'm afraid to die,
I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen.
No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive
criticism as the one who's giving it. -- Hal Chadwick
Anything not worth doing at all is not worth doing well.
To err is human; to debug, divine.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than
an administrator.
Et tu, AV?
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere,
is having fun.
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
You are wasting your time.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
U
e dU dx !
cosine, secant, tangent, sine!
3.14159!
logarithm, logarithm, Tech, Tech, Tech!
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
XXXXX
X X
X * * X
X* *X
X ***** X
X X
XXXXX
FOOBAR$J
Thank you for onlining with ITS -
Be sure to patronize us again for your next fix.
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:$FATAL ERROR BTB IN GARBAGE COLLECTOR$
:$FATAL ERROR -- ERROR IN COMPILED CODE$
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
Parkinson's Law: Work expands to fill the resources available to
do it with.
Finagle's Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
The Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
1) You can't win.
2) You can't even break even.
3) You can't get out of the game.
Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable
from magic.
Parkinson's Law of Committees: The amount of time spent by a committee on
an agenda item is inversely proportional to the cost of the item.
The Peter Principle: People are promoted until they reach their
level of incompetence.
((LAMBDA ((X) (X X))) (LAMBDA ((X) (X X))))
ALT ALT to you too!
What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is
having fun.
Message from GOD:
Your life has been cancelled. Please report to the nearest soul
reclamation center for recycling.